“You will never be perfect”. These words seared themselves into every part of my being. Written in flames. The sad part? It wasn’t anyone else saying these words to me. It was my brain saying it. This harsh, accusatory tone. Fire burning. Visceral.
As I struggled with these words, I found the urge to pull away from everyone. Yet, I know that isn’t what I want for my life. Disconnecting from people we love because we are in pain doesn’t help. We may not be able to share exactly what we are feeling as we try to understand it, but isolation isn’t going to heal us. Time alone is beneficial, but time alone is not the same as isolation. Isolation to me is more mental and emotional. Pulling away to be within our self-imposed walls (in this type of situation). Time alone can allow us to sort our thoughts, but we can still keep connection to those who love us. In an effort to keep myself on the path of connection I stepped out of my comfort zone and refrained from isolation. While I didn’t pour out what was going on in my brain, I found that connection made it easier for me to work through what was in my brain. It was way less painful and difficult than in times past when I hid myself away from everyone. **Special thanks to the man who consistently reminds me I am not alone and keeps me connected when I would normally ISOLATE.
That mess of thoughts in my brain led to this…
In my years of struggle with this whole “perfect” thing I have pushed myself to accept my imperfections. Pushed myself to not let the thought of imperfections cause hurt deep inside. The thing is, I feel some inner chaos over this… a bit of a divide. Because on some level I don’t want to be imperfect. I want to be perfect as I am. This creation that is whole as she is, but not yet who she is going to be. Because isn’t that all we really are? We are all complete, yet still have things to learn and more of ourselves to become? Life changes us. We can become more of who we really are, we can find parts of ourselves we will fall in love with that we never even knew existed before this moment. Hell, we can completely reinvent ourselves if we want to.
Lyrics by Pink have been stuck in my head for days, so I started playing the song that has been revolving in my thoughts and these words jumped out at me, “You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead”. I have heard them a hundred times and yet I think this is the first time I actually heard them.
As I listened to this song I started thinking about the definition of perfect and went to look it up. Some synonyms for “perfect” are… complete, real, true. Yes, there are the flawless and faultless synonyms, but they are not the only words.
Suddenly the words “you will never be perfect” changed. Not the actual words. The tone. As I listened to the lyrics and read the synonyms the way I said those words to myself became soft, filled with empathy and love. In this moment I am perfect because in this moment I am complete. I am real. I strive to be true to myself every day. Not to the vision others have for me, but to my soul. When I am messy and fragile and insecure I am being real. When I am strong, a warrior, and full of spark and energy I am real. To me, real is perfect. Authentic is beautiful. Authentic means letting all those pieces of us exist.
Will I ever become the “flawless” definition of perfect? Hell no! Do I want to be flawless? Fuck NO! My goal is to be true to myself, all of the pieces of myself. Working to improve the parts I don’t like while accepting that they are part of me and embracing, celebrating the parts that I love.
Many people I know struggle with this. We are pushed to be both perfect and imperfect all at the same time. It can drive us a bit crazy. Trying to meld that together. Friends, don’t let it make you crazy. Be yourself. Your version of real. Authentic.
Change the way you speak to yourself. It won’t be easy and most likely you will falter a few times or even more, but eventually it will become second nature (I will let you know when I reach that point).