This weekend contained some beautiful and perfect hours for me, it also contained some hours of looking into myself and figuring out why I sometimes do things that make no sense even to me, much less to anyone else who knows me.
As I work on this opening of myself to become who I am, wholly embracing life in all of the glorious imperfection of being human I am finding that it means looking at myself and having some not fun conversations. The kind that leave me exhausted and yet re-energized. I don’t want to share these things with anyone, I want to keep them packed away and hidden. That does not serve me well. It does not serve anyone well. One thing I have been pushing myself to do and encouraging loved ones to do is to open up and share so we all remember we are not alone. So we give people who love us the opportunity to help us when we feel lost and incapable of finding our path out of what surrounds us. I struggle with feeling like I should be able to handle it all on my own and I also struggle with letting someone else see that I don’t always do a good job at it. However, even as I try to hide it, the cracks appear and I know anyone who knows me well can see it. Besides, what benefit is it to try to do it alone? Many parts of life are better when shared, when you let someone reach out and help you beyond the struggle (whether it is a steep climb on a mountain path, a sleepless night with your soul and brain battling, or a minor little project around your home).
Y’all, I have this incredibly silly issue that pops up when I let someone get close to me. As I let them see me I start to feel the fear of loss, of rejection, of things that make no sense infringe. My brain gets a little overly creative and it is not pretty at all. I hate this part of myself. This Sunday I had to look in the mirror and face that allowing that fear to take root could ultimately cause my fear to come to life. We do that…. silly humans. We let the stories in our brain become reality. Here is the thing, we can also turn those stories off. It is a work in progress, I don’t think you just turn it off and it never turns back on. However, we can get to where we turn it off faster or to where we change the story altogether. I firmly believe that no matter what happens in our life that we can create our story, we can create ourselves… no matter what story we started with.
The point of this? Yeah, it is taking a bit to get to that, I know. Fuck the story my brain tries to create, fuck the fear. This is MY STORY and I am writing it to be a much better one than what my fears try to make it. It may not always be pretty, it may have some funky plot twists, but it is mine.
Because I am writing the happy ending. I don’t know what that looks like, but I know what it does not and I know what I want it to look like. The narrative will change and grow because that is what life does, but I will work to keep it to the path that follows the truth of my soul.
Write your story my friends, make it yours and own it!