Lyrics brought me to a memory of shedding my skin, of that feeling of freedom that was unlike anything I had ever known. In the brief moments I thought about it I remembered the feelings of being trapped in my own skin, my soul desperately trying to claw through to the surface, to find air and to breathe. It wasn’t just about shedding a skin of a relationship, it was about shedding the skin of who I had been for a lifetime to let who I actually was and am see the light.
Peeling the layers off was excruciating and liberating. Pain and joy intertwined. Shedding that skin didn’t happen quickly, as a matter of fact I am still finding pieces of skin from many years ago to pull off. It gets a bit easier. It has been exciting to find the girl who was buried under the layers. To dig into the fears and bring them into light so that they burn away under the sun. To open myself to exploring and learning to find my path. Past beliefs that I was taught without ever getting to find my own beliefs.
When I think back to a time that I wanted nothing more than the freedom to let myself feel… then I realize that I have come far and the bumps, scrapes, bruises, and scars have been worth it.
There is no room for thinking “if I had only known then…”. The current mindset I am working on is being in the now. What happened back then helped create who I am, but it has no real place in the now or my future.
The now is a place where my new skin gets to be warmed by sunshine that is sweet and strong. My soul which found freedom several years ago has found new levels of freedom and more of it is revealed daily. That sweet freedom I found is even sweeter yet and continues to become sweeter as more layers are revealed.
Feeling everything means feeling the pain as well as the joy, but damn I find life is so much better this way. When your soul is exposed it can feel like torture, but it can also be more enjoyable than anything you have ever felt.
There was a point when I thought ultimate freedom meant being having nobody close to me and inside the walls of my soul, but I have found instead that having the right person there is a freedom better than being alone. It is the freedom to share who you are, to have someone who helps you peel the layers to find the core of you that they see even when you don’t.
What a beautiful feeling in a truly beautiful life!