This post started out with a completely different tone and sat in my draft folder while I let the thoughts behind it simmer in my soul and brain. My initial thought when I started this draft was a focus on tumbling into this rabbit hole of life and all of the wondrous things that come with that tumble into the unknown of the rabbit hole.
Somewhere in the time between the start of this draft and this moment I am writing in I found that I was having a hard time finding the wonder I so dearly love. It took a bit to realize it and search out the reason. The reason was… the shadows that lurk in the corners of my soul. Some of us call them monsters or gremlins or dark thoughts. For me, at this moment, they are shadows. Think Dr. Who and Vashta Nerada. Well, if you watch Dr. Who then think that. If not, watch Dr. Who and learn about it. Watch Dr. Who anyways because it is a damn good show!
Okay, back on point!
There have been these shadows lurking around and looking harmless, but they really want to suck me in. These shadows are quite good at casting a veil of darkness on bright places. In this case that bright place was my soul. So, what were these shadows doing exactly? They were hanging out and playing that annoying refrain of “not enough”. Not enough of what? That’s the tricky part… because there are many words that can be put in there. It all depends on the person and the moment. For me it is often words dealing with not being able to get everything done around the house, as if my “to do” list will ever completely be annihilated. Or, it is the words of not being enough because I get stuck in these shadows and just don’t have the longing to go out and be social. Or, it is the not enough that focus on my physical imperfections that really don’t fucking matter anyways because they are part of who I am and they aren’t imperfect. That’s the thing with these shadows, they don’t tell you the truth. They live on their ability to make you feel uncertain and uncomfortable in your skin.
You can feel them, the weight of these shadows and you know you are trying so hard to pull away from them and into the light, but damn if they are some fast and persistent bastards. What they love most is when you let the discomfort of “not enough” set in and you don’t share this feeling with people who care about you. That’s how they lock you in to the darkness. Because if you share the “not enough” feeling with someone you know there is a chance they will feel open to letting you know that they also battle their own shadows and then you can help each other find your way out of the shadows and back into the sunlight or moonlight or starlight, fine, pretty much any light! Then the shadows lose their source of energy and shrink away until another day.
So, as these shadows were closing in I was finding it quite hard to write this rabbit hole post, because it started at a time when I was feeling like I tumbled into this gorgeous rabbit hole and I just wanted to share the beauty of the epic and colorful world I stumbled into. Of course, these moments are often when the shadows appear. Go figure.
This morning as I walked Mellie and got ready for work this was all on my mind. As the day continued I was listening to some podcasts and there was this message that kept coming out of what I was listening to. This message of we are not in this alone, we all battle this. Sharing it helps us all battle the shadows we deal with. The big thing that kept coming to my brain was that nobody can run the shadows off for me, people can help, but I have to choose to walk out of the shadows of “not enough”.
And so, today I have told myself that I am “enough”. Imperfectly perfect “enough”. The “flaws” aren’t flaws, they are unique pieces of me that help create the person who I am. The scars are reminders of where I have been and what I have survived to become who I am. The to-do list, it will always be here and I will tackle it bit by bit so that I can take time to enjoy life and it is okay to want to take time to just enjoy being outside with Mellie instead of with people. None of this is reason to let “not enough” echo through my brain.
Today I conquer the shadows. Today I also share this with you, in hopes that if you are trying to get out of your own shadows it will help. You aren’t the only one who fights the battle.
Now for the good stuff… the rabbit hole I meant to go down when I first started thinking of this blog post. The rabbit hole of looking at my life and appreciating the good. The flowers, the butterflies, the pets (who drive me crazy while making my soul happy), the friendships, the man who reminds me that I have no reason to let insecurities run amok in my brain. Life is really a rabbit hole and we just go along finding new tunnels to explore.
The tunnel I am currently in might be my favorite one. It is a tunnel full of discovery. A place where I am learning to uncover who I am and not who the world would expect me to be. Being in this tunnel also means confronting the shadows, but that isn’t so bad because at this point in the exploration of the rabbit hole of life I am learning that I am not alone as I do this. Just because I cannot see the support around me in the darkness doesn’t mean I cannot feel it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I think there is a little more exploration to do.