I don’t know about you, but I have moments that it is almost impossible to get out of the funk that is in my head. These moments are fucking brutal. They rip at every old wound I have and it is difficult to pull myself out of those moments. Here’s the thing, those moments are the times we have to refocus and find our strength. So many times we cannot do that on our own. As hard as it is we have to share those dark moments with people we trust and let them help us find the strength that we know we have.
The past few days have been struggling with this more so than normal. Confronting my fear of falling, dealing with issues that I think I have laid to rest only to have them come jumping out at me at the worst possible moment. Just too many emotions happening that I am struggling with and it starts to pull me into a dark place that I don’t like to go to. It’s a place where I feel like I am too much of a mess for anyone to deal with. It’s a place where I don’t like myself very much. Thankfully there are people who have ingrained into me that those feelings are not accurate, enough so that I always go back to that no matter how dark everything is. Because at the end of the day, I am a fucking mess and THAT IS OKAY! We all are in some way. It’s just a matter of accepting it and loving ourselves not in spite of the mess, but rather because of it. That mess helps make us who we are and even though I forget it sometimes, who I am is pretty incredible. Life has brought me pain, but it has brought me joy. I am stronger because of everything that has happened to my brain and soul.
Friends, there is nothing wrong with feeling like everything is a mess. We all have those times in our lives of everything feeling like a disaster zone. That is part of life. What’s important is that we don’t lose sight of our strength, our friendships, our joys, and the scars that remind us of what we made it through. Those scars don’t mean that we are damaged, they mean that we fought through a battle and survived it. As I write this I struggle with remembering that, with acknowledging that I am not too damaged to be loved. That’s just the darkness coming up to knock me down. It might weigh on me, but I refuse to let it win.