Falling

It is no secret that I have a fear of falling. Not of heights. It is just the anticipation of falling that gets me. In the fall I am fine. This makes roller coasters a bit of a bitch to do unless I am with people who understand this fear.

This thing about falling extends beyond physical falling and goes much deeper into my soul. My life has been guarded, incredibly so given how open I can be. Confusing I know. If you are one of my tribe of people I will share with you and let you see who I am, but that tribe is small and that door is not open to everyone. Why? Because not everyone needs to be part of that group, not everyone can be the family I have been blessed to find on this journey through life. It’s a beautiful and eclectic little group of people who bring so much joy and love to my life. Truly, these people are the most wonderful family a girl could ask for.

Being brutally truthful with myself, I have cared deeply about some people and it often creates an amazing friendship, but there have been times it has hurt my soul intensely. These are things that leave scars and often it is hard to see past those scars to allow ourselves to open up to new people. There is always that uncertainty as you build new relationships of any kind as you learn to trust each other. For me this ties back to that fear of falling. If you are one of the few people I trust deeply I will go on a roller coaster with you because I know that you will help me through that overwhelming feeling of panic that I get in the moment before the fall. When it comes to letting people see beyond the surface and into the depth of who I am that requires the same level of trust that only a few have created.

Over the past months I have realized that letting someone into the walls we build requires letting that fear go and being vulnerable enough to let the person know that you have these walls and fears and insecurities. You have to tell them so that they know and so that you can further build the trust with them. We all have these and it is so easy to live behind the fear and keep those walls high. Yet, it is so much sweeter to step outside of that fear and place your hand in someone else’s hand. To feel that warmth and care that they give. Yes, I can go through this life without that. I don’t need it to live (not like I need air or water or sleep). I want it. It makes this world a better place. I WANT IT! Enough to fight the doubts that inevitably occur when you have been hurt deeply in life. None of us know what the future holds and it helps to keep that in mind. I do know that in the current moment I choose to let the guards down and to trust that the people in my tribe are in my tribe for a reason and that only by being vulnerable with each other can we continue to grow. This lesson applies to all relationships for me, but there is one that it applies to even more than any others. Thankfully, the man who is the other side of this equation is caring and always gentle with my soul and with me. He is making it much easier to let go and fall in so many ways.

My friends, let’s encourage each other to let some guards down. Let’s love each other so much that we lift each other up at our most down moments and let’s celebrate our most wonderful moments together.

Much love to you all. I am grateful to each of you in my wacky and wonderful little tribe.

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