Vulnerability. What a strange thing. Everyone feels it in different ways. For me, being naked in front of strangers is less vulnerable than letting someone see into my soul. Most of the world sees the me who looks for the positive in everything, the person who will be there for you when you just need to vent and know you are loved… what most people don’t get to see is the darkness that swirls around that light. We all have it. You cannot have light without the dark. They co-exist. Some of us just don’t reveal it often. When you have to constantly stay guarded just to survive it becomes hard to let those guards down and let anyone see behind them. It’s not even about the other person, it’s that you really just do not know how to let someone see into the depths of who you are. It’s scary because they can see that you sometimes let your insecurities take control, they will know that you are sometimes moments from feeling like everything you are holding together is going to smash into a million pieces because you are just so fucking tired of always holding it all.
The hardest part is that most people in this world can look right at you and never even try to see beyond the surface and when you meet someone who wants to see below the surface it is so unexpected that it is hard to believe. If you really look into my eyes and see all the parts of me hidden behind them, will all of the chaotic wonder that is there be too much? Because there are days it is almost too much for me. The days that I have to get lost in the trees or the sky or the ocean before my soul spins too far too fast. These days aren’t frequent, but they are intense.
So, I guard my soul tightly in an effort to keep people out of this place that can be as blinding as the sun or as dark as the darkest night. It is so much easier to only let people see that warm, happy place that radiates warmth. In all honesty, radiating warmth and loving people helps me control the storm that lives inside. Sharing the storm is the hard part.
Do we all struggle with this? I think there are many people who do and we just all hide it away not realizing that we are not alone in these moments.
What I do know, is that I want to feel comfortable letting someone see all of the pieces that make up who I am, but it is an ongoing process of learning how to do that. Trusting that another person can see beyond our flaws and scars may be the most vulnerable thing we can ever do.
As we all walk this journey of life that can be vicious, but so damn beautiful it does help to remember that we are in it together and we all battle the inner voices that can make us feel we are so alone.
Much love my friends.