This post is not exactly what my thoughts are when I think of these musings. These clumsy words will have to do because I have to get some of this out.
Do you ever feel that your pieces don’t fit together quite right, that one bit of the puzzle that makes you is stuck in the wrong way or is just missing? When you feel like this it is easy to get lost in the thought that you are too messed up, that you are damaged. It is so easy to get stuck in this place and to think you cannot let someone close for fear of dragging them into your darkness.
What I forget sometimes (and I think we all do this) is that sometimes we need to let someone in to guide us out. It’s not because we are not strong enough, it is because we are so mired into the muck that we cannot see the way to get out.
This time of year brings about the most mixed up emotions for me. Holidays… a time that I love. The smell of the trees, the twinkling white lights, the cooking… I love all of that. However, there is a tinge of memory that will never fade. Memories of unhappy holiday moments. They are inevitable when you grow up with a parent who does not know how to be a parent and no matter how much your other parent was amazing and no matter how many years pass… those dark memories rise up when certain events happen.
For years I tried to keep them away. To ignore them completely. It didn’t work. It can’t work. In recent years my goal has been to make peace with them. To allow them their place in making me who I am and to allow them to visit, but then to send them back to the little closet in my soul where they live.
The past can haunt us. The decisions we have made, the ugly things that have happened in our lives. The past also shapes us and we have to decide if we will let it shape us into something hard or something fluid. Something that remains closed off or something that opens and loves in spite of or maybe because of what our lives have been.
For many years I chose to be hard and distant and incredibly difficult to love. In recent years the struggle to let go of that has been hard, but ever so rewarding. For all of the hurt that happens, there is so much love… to give and receive.
As we go into a time of year that is difficult for many, please remember to choose love.
Much love and light.