Impatience

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I am impatient. Once I get a thought in my head I just want to make it happen and happen now. It’s been a problem for most of my life and it has caused some crazy moments. The flip side of that is that I sometimes let fear hold me back. Internally I live in a state of yin-yang about certain things. Sometimes I push to make things happen so that I don’t overthink it. If I just jump and deal with consequences then I don’t get stuck in the doubt cycle. At this point in my life though I enjoy peace too much to always want the craziness of the actual jump.

Here I am at 42 and impatient to make some changes even while I know that I need to wait for a few things to make these changes and actually have them be the dreams that I have. Yes, this is cryptic… because it’s all still thundering around inside of me like a damn hurricane. The thing about hurricanes… depending on where the eye is and where the bands are… you can be in a hurricane and everything is completely calm or you can be stuck in high winds and torrential rains. Sometimes all you can do is prepare and wait because you cannot control a hurricane.

Right now, I am preparing. Making my lists. Figuring details. Knowing I can only control myself and that making changes means having some control taken away. When you look at shaking up your life as you know it you have to decide how it works for you. Some people jump into the new life and some of us want to plan a bit. What to keep, what to discard, where to go, what you want everything to be when you get there.

I’m lost, but know where I am. It’s the inability to see every detail in the trail ahead that gets me nervous that is also what exhilarates me. Because the adventure begins here. Who knows what the view will be at the end of this path, but it’s a different view and that’s what I have to remember. 

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