The Randomness Swirling in My Brain

Do you ever have those moments when the thoughts just roll around in your brain like some out of control pinball machine? There must be over a thousand pinballs flinging around and never stopping.

Right now there are so many words inside of me that just will not come out properly. The thoughts start and I begin to write and then they get cut off by another set of words that rapidly fill my brain. Everything collides and wham… the thoughts explode. This has pretty much been the past few days for me. The only thing that slows the words is to paint. Even there, nothing I think I will be painting happens. It all ends up very different on the canvas than what I started thinking about. Don’t get me wrong, I love the end results, but what is happening to the pictures in my brain that I want to paint? Where are those words that I feel need to come out? Maybe they are waiting until the right moment? Maybe there is no right moment?

Yes, this really is my brain right now. It’s just a snapshot of it actually. A tiny moment in the swirl of everything. These are the moments that I think it’s best that I am single because I would not wish me on anyone when my thoughts are so chaotic. It takes every ounce of energy to focus and rest at these times. It’s when the gym, the garden, the pallette become the only way to quiet it all enough to get a break.

These moments usually mean that something is changing in my life. Whether big or small my thoughts or life will be changing. It is good and I love the changes, but damn I wish that it didn’t feel a bit like a tornado inside my head.

The thoughts are a mess of the following: travel, Germany, online dating sucks, dating sucks, why do certain people drive me crazy, PMS sucks, vacation, more vacation, should I drink coffee right now, why is it so hard to get back into shape, dinner – ugh I don’t feel like making anything, I want to go hang out with my dog, should I move, where would I move, that guy I met on Sunday was cool and I wish I had given him my number, I wish I was at home painting, what plants need to go in the garden, I need to get together with…. a bunch of people, why do I have to leave my house, awkward… parts of life are so awkward, should I sell it all and go live in the middle of nowhere.

So, to quiet it all just a little I find my ways of meditating that usually are not what anyone calls meditation, but they work rather well for me. The hard part is that patience is not my thing at all and I constantly have to battle with impatience. All the while I know that impatience usually creates more issues than it is worth. Thankfully there are a few people in my life who remind me of this when my brain wants to forget.

In your moments that you think your brain cannot take it all, find that thing that brings you peace or that person who helps you put the brakes on. Because at the end of the day there is so little worth rushing and going crazy for. This is my mantra to myself and to the world. Slow down, breathe, enjoy it all a little.

Much love.

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