Be uncertain of the next step, the next road. Broken happens, don’t rush the recovery. Find your own light because nobody else will know which light is the right one for you.
These were the words that I posted on Facebook that finally pushed me into this blog. These words came to me as I was driving and I knew that they needed to be seen by more that just me.
Being uncertain, that is one of the hardest things to deal with. Yet… reality is that most of life is rather uncertain. We’ve trained our brains to forget that so that we feel safe and secure. Every moment could be the last and yet we usually run from the uncertain. It’s easy to get caught up thinking we have control of things we don’t and sometimes we don’t actually control the things we can. We can control our reaction to events and people, but how often do we just let them control us? Taking control of that fear of the unknown. It’s terrifying and often exhilarating.
Broken happens. Take these words in and sit with them. Life is imperfect. Things break, relationships break. Being broken isn’t a bad thing. Often people don’t want to admit they’re broken. Our society makes it seem so bad. Frequently people won’t acknowledge the brokenness and thus don’t heal. Broken is a place I’m intimately familiar with. We’re on a first name basis. Broken for me started at three years old when I realized that my biological dad didn’t love me the way that daddy’s were supposed to love their child. Being a child I didn’t understand it all, but I learned quickly not to trust. If your parent packs your bag and tells you to never come home then who can you trust? The boulders of giant ugly walls began forming that day and continued to be built into a fortress worthy of ancient kings. It took years to begin the healing process because the pain was so intense I couldn’t begin to live with it. Anger was much easier to live with. Until the day the anger was too strong, the inability to let myself feel any emotional pain was causing more damage than I could take. The recovery began, with many setbacks and broken moments along the way. It may never be complete because those damn memories pop up unexpectedly and bring it back to the surface sometimes. At least I’m on that road though.
I the midst of the recovery I discovered that nobody else could heal me, that people could love me through it, but another person couldn’t be the light. The light is in me. Sometimes it’s dim and hard to see, but it’s there. That light is much like a campfire. It must be tended to reach it’s full potential. This little light makes me happy and warm. It has become my closest friend on days that I need reassurance and in moments of joy. Finding my light, the perfect one for me has been one of the brightest blessings in my life.
These things aren’t ones I share because they feel good. Some of these thoughts still hurt like hell. I’m not sharing this for me, I’m sharing it because someone out there is hurting and knows this pain. Whoever you are… please know that you’re not the only one. Know that you can get past it. You are not alone. Find your light and cling to it.